I'm making one New Year's resolution for 2010. It's not that I don't need more. Actually, I started with 10, but one of them is hard, so I scrapped the other nine.

Before I share this lone goal, I'd like to explain. I spent four decades trying to understand men. Countless books, therapists and conversations with insightful males have brought me no closer to the enlightenment I seek. If I could figure out why men behave strangely, then I could figure out a way to accept them--or better yet--change them.

In 2010 and for the rest of my years, I resolve to stop trying to understand and change men. Think of the time I'll reclaim and the frustration that will dissolve. My mind will be at peace, no longer filled with the antics of men and questions about their motivations. I'll become more productive and energized. I'll volunteer at the food bank, write a detective novel, plant a vegetable garden. Zen.

Since we still have a week to go before my resolution goes into effect, it seems fitting to finish the year with some observations about men and their inane conduct. Let's consider barnyard epithets.

My friend Melissa, a former model, reported for Marin jury duty. Clad appropriately in a knee-length skirt and long-sleeved knit top, she walked into the chilly courtroom, causing her body to react to the temperature. Another potential juror, a man, gawked at her and yelled out, "Nice headlights."

What chromosome is Mr. Sophisticate missing? That comment would be crude in a bar or at a construction site, let alone in the hallowed halls of justice. Jeez.

Last Saturday morning, I was coming off the Headlands trail with my dog and saw two men starting their hike. I stopped to pat the heads of their two Dalmatians as my dog ran up to the taller man. "Is your dog OK?" he asked.

I was about to answer that my dog is friendly, when the diminutive man said, "No, he wants to bite your di-- off."

The tall one grabbed his genital area and said, "I'm protecting my jewels."

Even my dog seemed disgusted as he trotted away. I hope the two guys amused each other, because I sure wasn't impressed.

Emma is another friend on the hill. She was standing in our driveway digging in her purse for her keys when she heard a conversation between two men from a nearby balcony.

"How are you doing?" asked Man #1.

"Well, I'm 72 and I'm still f--king my wife, so I guess I'm doing pretty good," responded Man #2.

Silence followed. Emma looked up and Man #1 looked down, shaking his head. At least one of those guys had some sense.

Beyond crude words and silly gestures, there's some truly worrisome behavior. My friend Rachel had electrical problems in her place and stayed a few days with her 41-year-old friend Tom, an attorney with a large Tiburon home.

While Tom is nice looking and buff from compulsive exercise, he also has an ego to match. "I'm in the top 90 percent of men," he boasts.

He came to this conclusion because he has all his hair, drives an Aston Martin and has a few bucks in the bank. Apparently this gives him license to date women in their 20s and act like a buffoon.

Tom claims he's juggling eight women, ranking them from "classy to booty-call girls." The women ranked highest are the ones who haven't slept with him--yet.

One evening, Tom had a male friend over for dinner. While Rachel was cooking, she listened to them talk. The friend was going on a third date with a woman and was trying to get her in bed.

"She's just pretending she doesn't want it so you won't think she's easy," Tom coached. "Don't let her get away with that. You have to nail her."

When Rachel nailed Tom on that bit of piggish advice, he wasn't fazed. "If you're spending money on them, they need to give it up," he answered.

"It made me nervous and scared at the same time," Rachel told me. "I'm wondering if all men are the same."

I'm concerned too; however, I have a plan. Until we ring in 2010 and my resolution takes effect, I'm going to do my best to change every man I know into a sensitive, respectful human being.

I think I'll begin by interrogating my 80ish father, who's coming to visit this week. If he's a current member of the Vulgarity Club, he'll be resigning when we finish our discussion. Changing the men of the world starts with baby steps. First, my defenseless senior citizen dad, next my almost innocent 6-year-old neighbor Tony. It's going to be a busy week.

Email: nikki_silverstein@yahoo.com.

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